Stupid Things I Do To Myself

Anyone who knows me really well will tell you that I am a danger to myself. My clumsiness and the stupid injuries that I acquire are unbelievable. A lot of the time I am in situations that shouldn't cause me any injury at all. But I somehow always manage to stagger away half dead.

For example, there was one day during my junior year of college when I managed to spectacularly fuck myself up. And all I was doing was sitting in a chair. Yup. Just sitting. Not dangerous at all, right? So totally wrong.

In the chair's defense, I don't think this situation would have injured a normal person. I, however, am a swimmer. My shoulders are under a lot of strain, and the chair was nothing more than the straw that broke the camel's back.

All I did was lean back. I swear. I was in Spanish class sitting in one of those hard chairs that connects to the desk. I could feel a knot under my shoulder blade, so I angled the back of the chair to push against the knot. Somehow, I slipped. The back of the chair acted like a lever and popped my shoulder blade up.

At first I didn't think anything was wrong. It actually felt kind of good. But then it started to ache. When I got to swim practice, I couldn't move it without incredible pain. And thus was ended my illustrious swimming career. Brought down by a chair.

Another time I dislocated my elbow. How, you ask? By dancing.

I had gone with a group of friends to some clubs in Minneapolis. Unfortunately, I am not the greatest dancer when I sober. I am self-conscious, and really have no idea how to move my hips. Side note: one of the greatest benefits of a gay best friend is that he is very good at leading and I don't usually need to worry about it. Also, I am usually drunk if I go out dancing, so again I don't have to worry about it. But this time I was the DD.

I followed my drunk friends to a dance club. They immediately shimmied their way through the gyrating mass of people and staked out a spot in the middle of the mob. It was awkward. Not only was I not drunk enough to dance, but my friends were so drunk that they were fantastic! I felt like the awkward, clumsy, uncoordinated woman that I am while they were all sexy and provocative. I was so excited when we finally left and I got to be the coordinated one as I helped them stagger to the car.

The next day, I was in my bedroom doing some cleaning and listening to my iPod. A song came on that they had played at the club, and I decided to practice some dance moves in the safe and non-judgemental bubble that is my room. Next time I would be better. Next time my friends wouldn't show me up. Next time I would be able to dance with or without alcohol!

I really got into it. I was channeling my inner Beyonce as well as my inner hooker. I was hott. With two T's. That's how smokin' I was.

In a moment of goofy flamboyance, I flung my arms out wide, as if to embrace my awesomeness. My left elbow snapped out of place.

I don't remember much from the next few seconds. I know I was on the ground, and I was screaming. No one was home, though, so it didn't do much good. Somehow in my agonized gyrations, my elbow snapped back into place. I came to my senses entangled in a pile of laundry, panting and dazed. I couldn't move my arm without extreme pain.

For a few moments I thought I could suck it up. But after awhile I decided that I should probably go to Urgent Care if only to make sure that Best Friend (who is also going to be a doctor) wouldn't yell at me.

That is the tale of how I stupidly dislocated my elbow. The worst part is that I couldn't play Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword because I could do any abrupt motions that required my left arm. So no rolling, no stabbing, no spinning. It sucked.

And then there was the time I almost killed myself with a Sobe drink. I used to drink these all the time in college to stay awake. And because I kind of enjoyed the thrill of guarana rushing through my system like a T-Rex going after a two year old on a trike. But then of course I would crash and me dead to the world for the next ten hours.

There was one day when I was enjoying my Sobe while playing a video game with my friend. I must also note that Best Friend was in the next room. One of the characters in the game said something along the lines of "Oh look! Ew! It's so huge and disgusting!" This particular character happened to be a ten year old girl, so naturally my friend made a "That's what she said" comment. Right as I was drinking.

Usually if I laugh when I'm drinking, I spit the liquid out. I think this is how most peoples' bodies work. My body, however, decided that, for whatever reason, it wanted to die. Or maybe my kidneys dared my lungs to aspirate juice. I have no idea. In any case, I breathed the juice in instead of spitting it out.

My body immediately went into spasms trying to cough the offending liquid out, but to no avail. I couldn't get any breath in my lungs to cough. I ended up jerking around helplessly, completely unable to control my stupid body. Pretty sure half of the motion was caused by my kidneys laughing hysterically at my lungs.

After it became clear that I could not breathe, my friend called for Best Friend (who if you will recall is going to be a doctor). He was a freshman at the time, though, and knew nothing. There wasn't much he could do except stand by and helplessly watch me die an agonizing, horrifying death filled with fear and panic.

Finally my spasms managed to clear enough liquid from my lungs to draw a tiny amount of air. I began to hack and gasp. My lungs burned as they struggled to get rid of the nasty Sobe juice. I sank back onto the couch, clutching my chest as my friends prompted me to take slow, deep breaths.

This whole ordeal took maybe thirty seconds, but it felt so much longer. I really did think I was going to die.

The rest of the night was a blur of moments of hyperactivity followed my moments of passing out with my eyes open. It was an endless cycle of ups and downs that totally confused my system. Apparently guarana is absorbed into the blood much fasted when it is inhaled. I would bounce around the room uncontrollably for a while before sitting completely still staring at nothing for so long that my friends would have to ask several times if I was ok.

Eventually, this episode developed into pneumonia. But that is a story for another day.

I'm Now Ready for the Apocalypse

A terrible terrible thing has happened. And though I'm actually not surprised, I am disappointed in humanity. The world can get wiped out now. There's no more hope.

Click here for horrible horribleness.

Now, I will admit that I read the first two books in the Shades of Grey Trilogy. You can read my opinion of the first one here. I did not, however, buy these books. I refuse to contribute to the destruction of the literary art form. Some people may claim that I contributed by reading those "books." But I believe in knowing your enemy, and I find it just as loathsome when someone criticizes something that they haven't read. Or tried. It's like saying over and over again that you don't like broccoli, but then you try it and it's pretty good (someday I'll tell you that story). In this case, Fifty Shades of Grey was not good. It was a horrible mess of horribleness and one of humanity's greatest fails. Let's hope that our descendants do not look back on us with too much shame and revulsion.

Volcano Jesus of Hyrule

When I was in college, I was introduced to the wonderful world of video games. Believe it or not, I had never actually played a legit game before this time. Sure, I had played a few levels of Mario on my cousin's gameboy, but I had never completed the whole game, and I had certainly never played anything with a decent story.

I realized very quickly upon my introduction into the wonderful world of video games that I had been deprived. And I meant to make up for lost time.

Luckily, my best friend is a video game junky. He owns a lot of games, and he coached me through my first few games so that I didn't get frustrated by the puzzles. I hate puzzles. I usually make him do them for me because they just do not make sense in my head, and I think he realized that after I spent an hour trying to figure something out when all I had to do was step on a button. I may have driven him to drink with how frustrated he would get with me. Yep. I definitely drove him to drink.

There was one time when he was coaching me through a game that I ended up killing myself because I wouldn't listen to him. He warned me that the chest I was about to open was a bomb, but I was curious. So I opened it anyway, and everything went boom. I survived that one, but upon coming to another area I spotted another chest. Treasure? I thought. I couldn't resist getting things. I had my eye on some new equipment in the shop. My friend warned me that it was another bomb, but I opened it and summarily died in a fiery explosion of failure and regret.

Anyway, one of the games that he made me play was Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Now, even before I began playing video games I had had a special affinity for Link. And by that I mean that I actually knew his name. If I was coerced into playing Super Mario Smash Bros. I was always Link. I think I liked his green outfit. I would get really pissed off if someone changed it.

At first I was frustrated by Ocarina of Time. I ran around exploring the Kokiri village place, but I couldn't get to the Deku Tree. Why? Because some little punk said I needed a sword. I looked for a sword. It wasn't conveniently located in the shop where I could just buy it like the shield. Wouldn't that have been nice? I searched and searched, but I couldn't find the damn sword. I ended up in a scary place with a big boulder that rolled around and chased me. There was a chest in here, but I ignored it and left the area. I only had half a heart after the damn boulder, and I was not going to risk it opening a chest that I was sure would blow up on me. After another chunk of time spent searching, I gave up.

My friend walked back into the room from taking a shower and found me staring at the screen, arms crossed, and eyes narrowed in thought. In all truthfulness I was trying to use the power of my mind to make the kid blocking my way to the tree catch on fire so that I could pass without a sword, but it wasn't working.

After explaining the situation, I could see his desperation for a drink. He told me to just open the chest. I explained that I was afraid of getting blown up. He face palmed and told me to just open the damn chest. Concerned for his liver, I opened the chest. Guess what? There was a sword inside! Yay!

The game continued in this manner. I made a lot of stupid and frustrating mistakes. There were times when I think my friends gave up on me. But I persevered and eventually made it to the Fire Temple.

Remember the spider in my candle? If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should go here. I like fire. I like fire a lot. I am also very uncoordinated in real life, and, apparently, in the wonderful world of video games as well. I cannot walk a straight line to save my life. This caused problems in the Fire Temple. I kept running off the path into the lava.

Miraculously, though, I didn't get hurt. Usually you can run through lava or acid for a little bit, but you will lose hearts steadily until you can clamor back onto solid ground. Not me. I stood in the lava, untouched. My best friend was amazed. He said it shouldn't be possible. My other friend was just as shocked. They both said I should be dead. They didn't understand how I was able to walk through the lava.

This is how I became known as the Volcano Jesus of Hyrule.

Of course, a few minutes later we realized that some of my equipment was protecting me. I wasn't Jesus after all.