I need to preface this story by saying that I am terrified of spiders. In my opinion they are proof that Satan hates us. If I see one, I immediately search out the nearest method of extermination. Usually this is a shoe or a Kleenex, but I prefer to call someone to fetch a vacuum while I keep an eye on the unholy terror so that I can suck it up without getting close. Spiders are scary.
Do you know what the worst thing about spiders is? They hide in unexpected places, waiting to scurry away from you when you disturb them, pretending to be scared of you when we all know that they are laughing on the inside and plotting a new hiding spot. Bastards. Well one of these horrifying monstrosities finally got its due.
Like many of its kind, this spider decided to hide in an unexpected place. Namely, a candle. Can you see where this is going? Foolish arachnid.
Being a pit of a pyro, I was unreasonably excited to use the new lighter that I had found in the dollar section of Target. It was one of those wand lighters that would finally allow me to be able to easily light my candles. And, as it turns out, allow me to keep my distance from spiders that lie in wait in unexpected places.
As I lit the first candle, a spider scuttled out from god knows where. It was a big one, and I jumped backwards to the other side of my room, vaulting piles of laundry, books, and unpacked college crap. When my heart had slowed, I approached my dresser and cautiously peered into the candle. The spider sat on the wax, as far from the flame as it could get. Fortunately, it couldn't climb up the glass and escape.
I saw an opportunity here to get back at all arachnid kind. Arming myself with the lighter, I stood guard over the spider's pyre just in case it decided to make a run for it.
Now, this is where we come to the dumb broad (as my best friend would say) portion of the story. I wanted to be prepared in case the spider made a run for it, so I kept my finger on the trigger in readiness. What I did not realize is that my readiness included keeping the gas turned on.
The spider made a frantic dash up the smooth glass side of the candle, and I lunged forward to knock it back into its waxy hell. The gassy tip of the lighter reached the flame of the candle and burst into a terrifying fireball that singed my eyebrows and had me staggering back to the opposite side of the room once again.
At this point I had an epiphany. Both the spider and I had made stupid mistakes. It had foolishly crawled into a candle, and I had left the gas on the lighter. Clearly only one of us could survive, and it would be the one furthest away from that deadly flame. My new plan, then, was to wait it out on the other side of the room. If the spider somehow managed to escape the pit of the candle, then I would have ample opportunity to find some other means of extermination. I hoped.
I could almost hear the other hidden spiders in my room chanting for their brethren to escape the candle just like in The Dark Knight Rises. But it was not to be.
When the molten waxy lake had risen sufficiently for me to know that the spider had indeed perished, I cautiously approached the candle. The shriveled body floated in the wax. Blowing out the flame, I fished the corpse out of the goopiness and flushed it to a watery grave.
Update
I just found this on the Internet, and I feel like this may be my future...
http://cheezburger.com/6778827776
No comments:
Post a Comment