I’ve been struggling lately. I feel invalidated almost on a daily basis. I cry a lot. I’ve been told that I need to communicate what’s going on, but if I try and the wrong person says the wrong thing it makes me completely shut down. So I’ve been keeping everything to myself. Today, though, I broke. It just took one person saying one thing as a joke, but it sent me into the first full blown panic attack that I’ve had in years. I almost called in sick to work because the thought of leaving my apartment and facing people when I was fighting back tears was unbearable. The only thing that got me into the car was knowing that my kids are working on an essay and I wouldn’t have to interact with many people.
My senior year of college I wanted to commit suicide. I planned it out. I ended up getting help. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and put on medication for both. I met with a doctor once a week. Eventually we met every other week. Then once a month. Then on a needs basis, and finally never. I no longer regularly take medication. I didn’t need it anymore, and I didn’t like the way it numbed me, but recently I’ve been thinking more and more that I’m going to need to go back on it.
The reason that I am writing this is because my anxiety and depression have been getting worse. They have always been tied together. If I feel anxious, I will invariably feel depressed later for being anxious and being a burden on people. If I feel depressed, I will get anxious because I’m worried that I will become a burden for people. It’s a vicious cycle. Recently, I feel anxious almost all the time because of the posts that I see on social media regarding anxiety.
I’ve had to unfollow friends who suffer from anxiety because I empathize so strongly with their posts that it sends me into a negative spiral. I’ve unfollowed family members who have posted memes or comments that disparage mental illness and the methods people use to cope with it. I’ve been hurt by people who I thought understood anxiety posting articles that are inaccurate and invalidate anyone suffering from undiagnosed mental illness.
The reason I am writing this is because I want to talk about it. But I’m scared that these people will comment negatively or accuse me of making it up or taking it too seriously or lying or trying to get attention or being wrong about my feelings or not deserving my feelings or or or… The list goes on. Yesterday, I posted something about anxiety that I thought was intriguing. It was something that my doctor had once mentioned to me, and I thought it was an interesting thought. By no means was it meant to be an authoritative source. After all, I simply copied a thread, I did not dig into scholarly sources. Someone commented as a joke wondering if I had gotten this from an official source, and this set off the reaction that I’ve been fighting all day. It was by no means a big deal, and in the context of the current idiocy that people display when posting from unverified sources, it was funny. However, posting anything about anxiety is hard for me, and this is the first time in years that I have posted anything, and I immediately felt like I needed to prove myself. I feel like anytime I feel anxious or am having a panic attack or am on the edge of having a panic attack or just want to discuss mental illness I need to whip out a doctor’s note to prove that I am not faking. It’s real. I’m real, and my feelings are real.
The reason I am writing this is for the people who are undiagnosed and the people like me who were diagnosed years ago but do not advertise it. When you ask for proof of our anxiety you are invalidating us. When you tell us that we shouldn’t talk about our anxiety because we don’t really have it so we can’t really understand it you are invalidating us. When you only acknowledge the people who have current prescriptions or are currently seeing a doctor for their mental illness, you are invalidating us. It is an everyday struggle. Just because I have fought my way out of the worst of it doesn’t mean I don’t have it. It doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle. It doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days, like today, when I am paralyzed with fear of what people think of me. It doesn’t mean that those people who are still fighting every day are any more or less valid than I am.
The reason I am writing this is for the people who think they are helping. You don’t know everyone’s situation. Posting a seemingly innocent article about how the word “anxiety” is used too much invalidated me because I didn’t have a doctor’s note or a prescription to show off. People who are undiagnosed may never get treatment after reading something like that because it tells them that their feelings are not real. It only gives worth to people who are open about their mental illness, who are currently in treatment, or who have people to validate them. I do not have that, and I am tired of trying to prove myself.
I’m reminded every day or what I went through. I have scars on my rib cage from cutting in college. I don’t have these scars on my arms because I didn’t want people to know. I didn’t want them to judge me, and as a swimmer I had limited options as to where to cut. Now I’m having the same feelings because my scars AREN’T usually visible. There is nothing in my outward appearance that hints at my inward struggle. I don’t talk about it a lot because I’m tired of having to prove it, and for this reason most people do not know what I’ve gone through and so they scoff when I do open up.
I don’t know what else to say to make you understand. I’m not saying you should stop posting things. I would never limit your freedom in that way. But if you are someone who loves a person with mental illness, if you are a person who supports people with mental illness, if you are a person who cares, then be careful. Experience is not limited to what you are familiar with. What is true for one person is not true for everyone, and the way you perceive anxiety because of what one person has shared with you is not how it is for everyone. Making an errant comment can be very damaging. Please be careful.
To those of you who are undiagnosed or prefer not to talk about it: I validate you.
