Impatient Rant of Insanity!

I usually don't buy anything on Black Friday. I hate crowds and people in general, so I don't go to stores. My discovery of the wonderful world of online shopping has not even convinced me to spend my hard-earned cash. But this year was different. I couldn't control myself, and I bought an iPad.

And it is taking so fucking long for it to get here!

I have been online tracking this sucker about once an hour. It's insane. It won't get here until Thursday, but I am still tracking it in the futile hope that at some point it will find its way to a mad genius who has invented teleportation and will bring it to me. Someone needs to make a gate scroll! Or a portal! Or something!

Anyway, it has been exhausting to be this excited, but I just found out that my iPad has finally made it from China to the United States. It's in Anchorage, but at least it's on the right continent! Finally! Three more days until delivery!

Update:

I'm also loving the fact that my iPad departed Chengdu, China at 5:08 AM on Nov. 26 and arrived in Anchorage at 9:06 PM Nov. 25. Time travel!

Update:

It's a day early! It's about twenty minutes from my house!

The Prostitute Christmas Tree

We had a prostitute Christmas tree in my house one year. Now, I am of the opinion that every Christmas tree is a little bit of a prostitute. After all, they stand up in a window somewhere decked out in flashy lights and ornaments just waiting for people to drive by and look at them. Sluts.

There are even different types of prostitute Christmas trees. There are what I call free-range trees. These are the Christmas trees that won't admit what they are. They stand around a tree farm, trying to look like regular evergreen trees, but we all know that it doesn't take much to reveal their true nature. All it takes is a saw and some elbow grease and that tree is laying down.

Then there are the Christmas trees who know what they are. They are displayed for your perusal in lots. Some of them are wrapped as tight as possible while some let it all hang loose. Their pimp prowls nearby, waiting to make a deal.

Finally, there are the fake Christmas trees. They are completely plastic. Sure they come in bright colors, and some people enjoy that. But they are not real, and they never can be. And you can shop for them online.

My family has enjoyed a free-range, slut Christmas tree for the past several years. We always go to the same place to pick one out. This tree farm is great. There's a petting zoo, sleigh rides, a gift shop, and Santa Claus. It's a wonderful family experience. Buying a prostitute Christmas tree.

We drove out to a promising looking batch of trees and began to wander around. My sister immediately started looking for the biggest tree that she could find. And boy did she find a good one. Fluffy and beautiful, its lush and curvaceous form called to us through all of the other trees.

My mom vetoed it immediately and led us over to a tall, thin tree. Protesting vehemently, my sister begged to know why we couldn't get the fuller tree. She pointed out that the tall tree wouldn't fit in our house.

My mom immediately reached for the price tag and declared, "It's the length that you're paying for!"

Yes. Yes it is.

And that is how we ended up with a very tall prostitute Christmas tree gracing our living room window in all of its glory.

Wine Ramblings

I have had quite a bit of wine tonight. Between the two of us my mom and I pretty much finished off two bottles. Which means we both pretty much had one bottle. Right? Am I good with my math? I don't even care...

Anyway, I have noticed a recent trend with some of my friends that makes me laugh hysterically. I fell off my bed a few minutes ago. Seriously don't know if that's from the wine or my laughter.

Maybe I only find this so funny because I am easily amused. I don't know. But this is what I have noticed.

Several of my gay friends have recently gotten cats.

Clearly they need pussy in their lives.

Bazinga.

The Hunt for Chocolate

I am usually a very easy going person. But whenever some sort of competition, or test, or chance to prove myself comes up I become a rabid maniac of focused determination. Every ounce of willpower I possess becomes centered on one goal, and I will achieve it no matter the consequences. This often ends with me being horribly maimed in some way because I will not give up. I'm like a zombie velociraptor on the hunt for baby flesh. Pretty sure I've used that simile before, but I don't care. It's an awesome simile.

Now, add this competitive streak to a lust for chocolate, and you have a powerful combination. I am unstoppable. This has led to some nasty instances of chocolate going missing in my house, and consequently my mother has taken to hiding it.

But hiding chocolate will not stop me. It only brings out my competitive side. I consider it winning to find the chocolate. Beating my mom is always so sweet (ya see what I did there huh? Huh?).

Unfortunately for my mother, she cannot rely on me becoming bored and giving up. I'm a patient hunter, and I play a lot of video games. I've been trained on Legend of Zelda and Resident Evil. I know that you have to search every crack and crevice to find the treasure. Your life may depend on it. Therefore, I will tear my house apart in my lust for chocolate. I'm sure I could accomplish a lot with my life if I put this much effort and energy into actually doing legitimate things, but, well...I don't. So there.

One day, I arrived home from work with a powerful lust for chocolate that had gradually begun to morph into bouncy insanity. And just the previous night, my mom and picked up a huge carton of the greatest chocolate treat ever: chocolate covered raisins.

I have no idea why I love these little Happy Pills. I hate raisins, but I will devour these faster than a starved T-Rex wandering onto a cattle farm. My sister is the same way, and with this in mind I flung open the door to her room, made an exaggerated bow, and requested her to accompany me on a quest.

We made a point of being as loud and obnoxious as possible so our mom would know what we were up to. She ignored us, foolishly thinking that she had hidden the prize too well for us to ever find. She did not take into account our lust for chocolate or the fact that I was in the middle of Skyward Sword and therefore at the peak of my training. Nothing would stop us.

We opened cupboards. We crawled under beds. We even checked the extra refrigerator in the garage. But the elusive chocolate covered raisins did not appear. Finally we made our way to the upstairs living room and began to ransack the cupboards. I started at one end, my sister started at the other, and we met in the middle.

It was like destiny. There was only one cupboard left. We each grabbed a door and pulled it open. We were sure to be as dramatic as possible. Inside, nestled on a bed of old bills, bathed in the golden rays of triumph was the carton of Happy Pills.

Our sudden silence must have alerted our mom to the situation. We could hear her hastily throwing things out of her way in the laundry room as she hurried to get upstairs in time to stop our chocolate madness.

We each grabbed a handful and then spent the next few seconds desperately searching for our own hiding place.

Our mom never found the chocolate. Revenge is sweet.

Something Political Part 2 (Kids Say the Darndest Things)

This will most definitely offend some people, and for that I'm sorry. But I just have to share what one of my students said this morning because it is one of the funniest images I have ever had the pleasure of enjoying in my brain. Seriously. I'm still laughing.

This student knows very little about politics. I'm not even quite sure if he's old enough to vote. But he told me this morning that he supported Obama because Mitt Romney looked like a conquering despot.

I kinda see his point.

He went on to say that if Romney had won he imagined him immediately roaring in triumph. He said that it would be like living under Jafar, and if Romney won we would be in a Disney movie. And then Obama would come charging up and slay him with a sword, protecting his people from the villainous usurper and reclaiming his rightful place.

What?

This is ridiculous, and this student is silly, but savor that image for a moment. If it helps, replace Obama and Romney with other people. I don't care. Just imagine Romney, arms upraised in triumph, and Obama charging him with a broadsword.

That's gold right there. Pure gold.

Anyway, I'm sorry if I've offended you, but kids say the darndest things. I just had to share.

Something Political

It's election day, and I've been sitting on some thoughts because, well, I really don't want to get flamed. I hate that. But today I'm going to say them anyway because some people make me want to bang my head against a wall. If you are only here to read my stories, then you might want to leave now. This could get ugly.

I only want to talk about one topic because it's the one that's been really bugging me: gay marriage. Let me start by saying that I am for gay marriage. And I really don't understand why it is an issue. Well, I do. I understand that people feel the need to protect their family values and integrity. And considering I watched V for Vendetta last night and was reminded of how important integrity is, I respect that. If you don't believe in gay marriage, then that's fine. But this is my blog, dammit, and if you are reading it then you have to deal with what I have to say.

Simply put, I am confused. I hear a lot of people saying that gay marriage should not be legalized because it goes against the canon of a religion, or the beliefs of a religion, etc. But don't we have a separation of church and state? Legalizing gay marriage will not make it mandatory for your priest or pastor or whatever to perform one. In fact, if anyone tries to force that issue, then they are just as bad as the people trying to limit marriage. People like me who are in favor of gay marriage are not trying to force you to give up or corrupt your beliefs. We are just asking that you do not force your beliefs on us. Agree to disagree as it were. And if me saying this means that I am going to burn in a lake of fire for all eternity, then that is for God to deal with. Not you.

Alright, following me so far? Let's address the issue of marriage being a religious institution. After all, simply suggesting that we legalize gay marriage means that we are going against religion because marriage is inherently religious. Not true. Look at history. And I'm talking way way way back history. The act of marriage, of binding two people together forever, is performed, not by a church or religious representative, but by the highest authority within a community. Now, most of the time this ends up being a person connected to religion in some way. A shaman, or a wise man, or what have you. But marriages have also been performed by headmen, chiefs, and ship captains. For a very long time, religious organizations were the highest authorities, but this is not necessarily true for some people anymore. This is why we have a separation of church and state.

Ok, so let's look at this separation of church and state. For some people, the church is the highest authority, so they want to get married within their religion. Fine and dandy. For other people, the state is the highest authority. And they can be married by a judge at a courthouse if they so choose. So why can't a judge at a courthouse marry a man and a man or a woman and a woman? Separation of church and state. Religion does not need to be involved.

The last thing that I want to talk about is the Minnesota amendment to define marriage as between one man and one woman. Though I hope the No votes win, I really am not concerned about the outcome. "Marriage" is just a word, and if people want to limit its definition, then we will find a new word. Gay marriage is inevitable. It is going to happen. It may not happen at this election, or the next election, but it will happen. Do you want to know why? Because our country is built on freedom, and the moment we start limiting that freedom is the moment when we are no longer Americans.

But that's just what I think. You are free to think and feel however you want to. And whatever you think or feel, please go out and vote. Don't take this freedom for granted.

The last thing I want to say is that I welcome your responses to this. Whether you agree with me or not, I would love to hear your thoughts. And if you can offer more research or information into my opinions, then go for it. Because I pretty much just word vomited this, so I'm sure it's convoluted and doesn't make a lot of sense.

Monster Attack!

I want to talk a little bit about something that affects all of us: bad days. Now, I'm not talking about those days when you have three finals and a thirty page paper due. I'm not talking about the days you go to work having stayed up all night taking care of a sick kid. Don't get me wrong, those are terrible days. But I am talking about the sneaky bad days. The days that start out normal and then pull you into a hell of anxiety and paranoia because you don't know what is going on. Those are the days I'm talking about.

I call these Monster Days because they are like a sneaky monster. You don't see them coming until you are caught and can't escape. At first you might think it is an innocent little fluffy monster. No big deal. You want to pet it. But then it latches on with teeth and claws, and you can't escape it!

Monster Days start out normal. Better than normal even. You wake up and you think "This isn't so bad. I don't mind getting out of my warm, comfortable bed." This is your first clue that a monster day is in the works, stalking you. Getting out of bed is rarely pleasant, even when you get to sleep in. And if you are waking up at 5:30 and thinking it's not so bad, then you definitely need to watch your back because the monster day is coming!

No one knows what turns an ordinary day into a Monster Day. It is a mysterious and unholy process that only the devil himself is privy to. One minute everything is going along just fine. The next, you find yourself in a vortex of absolute chaos that is pulling you down into madness.

The truly terrifying thing about Monster Days is that there is nothing that specifically goes wrong. It's not like you get a flat tire or wake up late or burn the house down. Suddenly something in the atmosphere just shifts and you find yourself in the middle of a swirling vortex of panic and doom. There's really no other way to describe it.

The only escape is to make it to your bed, curl up under the covers, and try not to shake. Go to sleep and start over. After all, everyone knows that if you have all of your limbs on the bed and tucked beneath the blankets, no monster can get you.