Anyone who knows me really well will tell you that I am a danger to myself. My clumsiness and the stupid injuries that I acquire are unbelievable. A lot of the time I am in situations that shouldn't cause me any injury at all. But I somehow always manage to stagger away half dead.
For example, there was one day during my junior year of college when I managed to spectacularly fuck myself up. And all I was doing was sitting in a chair. Yup. Just sitting. Not dangerous at all, right? So totally wrong.
In the chair's defense, I don't think this situation would have injured a normal person. I, however, am a swimmer. My shoulders are under a lot of strain, and the chair was nothing more than the straw that broke the camel's back.
All I did was lean back. I swear. I was in Spanish class sitting in one of those hard chairs that connects to the desk. I could feel a knot under my shoulder blade, so I angled the back of the chair to push against the knot. Somehow, I slipped. The back of the chair acted like a lever and popped my shoulder blade up.
At first I didn't think anything was wrong. It actually felt kind of good. But then it started to ache. When I got to swim practice, I couldn't move it without incredible pain. And thus was ended my illustrious swimming career. Brought down by a chair.
Another time I dislocated my elbow. How, you ask? By dancing.
I had gone with a group of friends to some clubs in Minneapolis. Unfortunately, I am not the greatest dancer when I sober. I am self-conscious, and really have no idea how to move my hips. Side note: one of the greatest benefits of a gay best friend is that he is very good at leading and I don't usually need to worry about it. Also, I am usually drunk if I go out dancing, so again I don't have to worry about it. But this time I was the DD.
I followed my drunk friends to a dance club. They immediately shimmied their way through the gyrating mass of people and staked out a spot in the middle of the mob. It was awkward. Not only was I not drunk enough to dance, but my friends were so drunk that they were fantastic! I felt like the awkward, clumsy, uncoordinated woman that I am while they were all sexy and provocative. I was so excited when we finally left and I got to be the coordinated one as I helped them stagger to the car.
The next day, I was in my bedroom doing some cleaning and listening to my iPod. A song came on that they had played at the club, and I decided to practice some dance moves in the safe and non-judgemental bubble that is my room. Next time I would be better. Next time my friends wouldn't show me up. Next time I would be able to dance with or without alcohol!
I really got into it. I was channeling my inner Beyonce as well as my inner hooker. I was hott. With two T's. That's how smokin' I was.
In a moment of goofy flamboyance, I flung my arms out wide, as if to embrace my awesomeness. My left elbow snapped out of place.
I don't remember much from the next few seconds. I know I was on the ground, and I was screaming. No one was home, though, so it didn't do much good. Somehow in my agonized gyrations, my elbow snapped back into place. I came to my senses entangled in a pile of laundry, panting and dazed. I couldn't move my arm without extreme pain.
For a few moments I thought I could suck it up. But after awhile I decided that I should probably go to Urgent Care if only to make sure that Best Friend (who is also going to be a doctor) wouldn't yell at me.
That is the tale of how I stupidly dislocated my elbow. The worst part is that I couldn't play Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword because I could do any abrupt motions that required my left arm. So no rolling, no stabbing, no spinning. It sucked.
And then there was the time I almost killed myself with a Sobe drink. I used to drink these all the time in college to stay awake. And because I kind of enjoyed the thrill of guarana rushing through my system like a T-Rex going after a two year old on a trike. But then of course I would crash and me dead to the world for the next ten hours.
There was one day when I was enjoying my Sobe while playing a video game with my friend. I must also note that Best Friend was in the next room. One of the characters in the game said something along the lines of "Oh look! Ew! It's so huge and disgusting!" This particular character happened to be a ten year old girl, so naturally my friend made a "That's what she said" comment. Right as I was drinking.
Usually if I laugh when I'm drinking, I spit the liquid out. I think this is how most peoples' bodies work. My body, however, decided that, for whatever reason, it wanted to die. Or maybe my kidneys dared my lungs to aspirate juice. I have no idea. In any case, I breathed the juice in instead of spitting it out.
My body immediately went into spasms trying to cough the offending liquid out, but to no avail. I couldn't get any breath in my lungs to cough. I ended up jerking around helplessly, completely unable to control my stupid body. Pretty sure half of the motion was caused by my kidneys laughing hysterically at my lungs.
After it became clear that I could not breathe, my friend called for Best Friend (who if you will recall is going to be a doctor). He was a freshman at the time, though, and knew nothing. There wasn't much he could do except stand by and helplessly watch me die an agonizing, horrifying death filled with fear and panic.
Finally my spasms managed to clear enough liquid from my lungs to draw a tiny amount of air. I began to hack and gasp. My lungs burned as they struggled to get rid of the nasty Sobe juice. I sank back onto the couch, clutching my chest as my friends prompted me to take slow, deep breaths.
This whole ordeal took maybe thirty seconds, but it felt so much longer. I really did think I was going to die.
The rest of the night was a blur of moments of hyperactivity followed my moments of passing out with my eyes open. It was an endless cycle of ups and downs that totally confused my system. Apparently guarana is absorbed into the blood much fasted when it is inhaled. I would bounce around the room uncontrollably for a while before sitting completely still staring at nothing for so long that my friends would have to ask several times if I was ok.
Eventually, this episode developed into pneumonia. But that is a story for another day.
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