Volcano Jesus of Hyrule

When I was in college, I was introduced to the wonderful world of video games. Believe it or not, I had never actually played a legit game before this time. Sure, I had played a few levels of Mario on my cousin's gameboy, but I had never completed the whole game, and I had certainly never played anything with a decent story.

I realized very quickly upon my introduction into the wonderful world of video games that I had been deprived. And I meant to make up for lost time.

Luckily, my best friend is a video game junky. He owns a lot of games, and he coached me through my first few games so that I didn't get frustrated by the puzzles. I hate puzzles. I usually make him do them for me because they just do not make sense in my head, and I think he realized that after I spent an hour trying to figure something out when all I had to do was step on a button. I may have driven him to drink with how frustrated he would get with me. Yep. I definitely drove him to drink.

There was one time when he was coaching me through a game that I ended up killing myself because I wouldn't listen to him. He warned me that the chest I was about to open was a bomb, but I was curious. So I opened it anyway, and everything went boom. I survived that one, but upon coming to another area I spotted another chest. Treasure? I thought. I couldn't resist getting things. I had my eye on some new equipment in the shop. My friend warned me that it was another bomb, but I opened it and summarily died in a fiery explosion of failure and regret.

Anyway, one of the games that he made me play was Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Now, even before I began playing video games I had had a special affinity for Link. And by that I mean that I actually knew his name. If I was coerced into playing Super Mario Smash Bros. I was always Link. I think I liked his green outfit. I would get really pissed off if someone changed it.

At first I was frustrated by Ocarina of Time. I ran around exploring the Kokiri village place, but I couldn't get to the Deku Tree. Why? Because some little punk said I needed a sword. I looked for a sword. It wasn't conveniently located in the shop where I could just buy it like the shield. Wouldn't that have been nice? I searched and searched, but I couldn't find the damn sword. I ended up in a scary place with a big boulder that rolled around and chased me. There was a chest in here, but I ignored it and left the area. I only had half a heart after the damn boulder, and I was not going to risk it opening a chest that I was sure would blow up on me. After another chunk of time spent searching, I gave up.

My friend walked back into the room from taking a shower and found me staring at the screen, arms crossed, and eyes narrowed in thought. In all truthfulness I was trying to use the power of my mind to make the kid blocking my way to the tree catch on fire so that I could pass without a sword, but it wasn't working.

After explaining the situation, I could see his desperation for a drink. He told me to just open the chest. I explained that I was afraid of getting blown up. He face palmed and told me to just open the damn chest. Concerned for his liver, I opened the chest. Guess what? There was a sword inside! Yay!

The game continued in this manner. I made a lot of stupid and frustrating mistakes. There were times when I think my friends gave up on me. But I persevered and eventually made it to the Fire Temple.

Remember the spider in my candle? If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should go here. I like fire. I like fire a lot. I am also very uncoordinated in real life, and, apparently, in the wonderful world of video games as well. I cannot walk a straight line to save my life. This caused problems in the Fire Temple. I kept running off the path into the lava.

Miraculously, though, I didn't get hurt. Usually you can run through lava or acid for a little bit, but you will lose hearts steadily until you can clamor back onto solid ground. Not me. I stood in the lava, untouched. My best friend was amazed. He said it shouldn't be possible. My other friend was just as shocked. They both said I should be dead. They didn't understand how I was able to walk through the lava.

This is how I became known as the Volcano Jesus of Hyrule.

Of course, a few minutes later we realized that some of my equipment was protecting me. I wasn't Jesus after all.