The Whole Marriage Before 23 Thing

So, the past few days have seen a lot of posts on Facebook about a blog written by a young woman claiming that there are better things to do in your twenties than get married. And there have been several responses to her blog.

Here is the original article in case you haven't read it yet (I avoided it for awhile because I hate getting into this kind of stuff, but eventually I caved. Join me in caving! Join meeeeeeee!):

http://wanderonwards.com/2013/12/30/23-things-to-do-instead-of-getting-engaged-before-youre-23/

And here is the response that I read:

http://youngcons.com/must-read-young-woman-gives-amazing-response-to-the-23-things-to-do-instead-of-getting-engaged-before-youre-23/

I'm sure there were many other responses, but this is just one that I read and had some thoughts about.

First of all, the only thing that really annoyed me about the first blog (after I had a chance to think logically) was that the young woman kept referring to our favorite social media site as The Facebook. Nobody calls it that. Maybe old people trying to be hip or in the know, but nobody else. That was a little irritating to me, but other than that... 

Here's my point, and something that everyone needs to realize. We all mature at different rates. As a teacher, I cannot tell you how many kids I have come into my classrooms who are on opposite sides of the learning curve. I have kids in sixth grade who act like they are in high school, and I have other kids who smear poop on the bathroom walls. We mature at different rates, and that means that we will all live our lives differently. There is no perfect age for anything. 

The amygdala is the part of the brain that helps control whether we make decisions based solely on emotion or on reason. It is not fully developed until about age 25. And that's a rough generalization. In truth, it can reach full maturity at just about any point during the 20's. Or even earlier. Or later. It depends on the person. I'm pretty sure mine was developed when I was 12, and my 21 year old sister still has a ways to go on hers. Not really, but you get my point. Age is by no means an accurate way to judge whether or not someone is a fully functioning adult.

There were many things in the original article that were upsetting to me. I mean, make out with a stranger? Date two people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face? These things do not seem like good ideas. To me. But I have always been pretty mature for my age. Just by reading her blog, I could tell that this woman is not. In fact, I would put her mental age at about 19-21. And that's ok. In fact, kudos to her for realizing that she is not ready for marriage. She has lots of things that she wants to do with her life, and even though many of the things on her list seem quite childish to me, the fact is that they are right for her and her maturity level. She is not ready for marriage, especially if she is having anxiety attacks based on her friends' relationship statuses. Come on. No one else's life and decisions should make you feel bad about your own life, and if it does then you clearly have some self-discovery that you need to do. Good for her that she's out in the world doing it.

Now, she did raise some interesting points regarding the divorce rate for young couples. It is unreasonably high. I put this down to lack of maturity, and that is something that you may have to discover for yourself. After reading only the one post, it seemed to me as if her blog was primarily about her adventures of self-discovery and living her life to the fullest. Who's to say that having a bad marriage, getting divorced, and learning from it is not a part of someone else's journey? Personally, I'm all for living with someone for several years to make sure it works before getting married, but other people are not as logical as I am and tend to jump right in. We all make mistakes, but I truly believe that the biggest mistake is regret. 

The problem people are having is that her blog pretty much condemned everyone who has gotten married at or before the age of 23. That's not right either. There are plenty of people out there who are mature enough at 23 to get married. I have several friends who are very happily married with children. I also have several friends who got married and then within two or three years got divorced. Clearly they were not ready, but others were. And that brings me to the second blog.

This woman is happily married and she points out that most of the things on the list in the first blog can easily be accomplished with a spouse. In fact, she claims that many of the things on the list are more fun with a spouse. I totally agree with her. I would much rather travel the world with the love of my life than alone. Not to mention, the people at the DMV intimidate me, so I always get nervous when I have to renew my passport. I would be much happier having Kevin there with me as backup. In fact, most of the things on the list sound to me like they would be way more fun with a companion.

But we have the same problem with this second blog as we do with the first blog. There is a lack of understanding that we all mature at different rates. I understand why this second woman would be offended by the original blog. After all, she has made the choice to get married, she is happy, and she is living her life the way she wants. Then here comes some stranger telling her that she is in a cop-out marriage and that her whole life that she has built is a mistake. I'd be mad too. But what the second blogger needs to understand is that a sarcastic and negative response (though soundly reasoned for the most part and more accurate than the original blog) is not the mature, grown up thing to do. Then again, we all use our blogs as emotional outlets at some point...

That got a little off track. Bottom line: We all mature differently at different times. We are all going to live different lives. What is right for one person is not right for everyone else. Many people are not mature enough at 23 to get married, and many people do not realize this, so they rush into a marriage that is not right for them. On the other hand, though, many people are ready. They have taken the time to think about their future and what they want. They have discussed with their partner their desires, hopes, dreams, and goals, and they have formed a partnership that will work to make their lives the best that they can be. 

Don't condemn someone for being at a different point in their life, even if they are the same "age" as you. Live your life to the fullest, the way that is best for you.