The Prostitute Christmas Tree

We had a prostitute Christmas tree in my house one year. Now, I am of the opinion that every Christmas tree is a little bit of a prostitute. After all, they stand up in a window somewhere decked out in flashy lights and ornaments just waiting for people to drive by and look at them. Sluts.

There are even different types of prostitute Christmas trees. There are what I call free-range trees. These are the Christmas trees that won't admit what they are. They stand around a tree farm, trying to look like regular evergreen trees, but we all know that it doesn't take much to reveal their true nature. All it takes is a saw and some elbow grease and that tree is laying down.

Then there are the Christmas trees who know what they are. They are displayed for your perusal in lots. Some of them are wrapped as tight as possible while some let it all hang loose. Their pimp prowls nearby, waiting to make a deal.

Finally, there are the fake Christmas trees. They are completely plastic. Sure they come in bright colors, and some people enjoy that. But they are not real, and they never can be. And you can shop for them online.

My family has enjoyed a free-range, slut Christmas tree for the past several years. We always go to the same place to pick one out. This tree farm is great. There's a petting zoo, sleigh rides, a gift shop, and Santa Claus. It's a wonderful family experience. Buying a prostitute Christmas tree.

We drove out to a promising looking batch of trees and began to wander around. My sister immediately started looking for the biggest tree that she could find. And boy did she find a good one. Fluffy and beautiful, its lush and curvaceous form called to us through all of the other trees.

My mom vetoed it immediately and led us over to a tall, thin tree. Protesting vehemently, my sister begged to know why we couldn't get the fuller tree. She pointed out that the tall tree wouldn't fit in our house.

My mom immediately reached for the price tag and declared, "It's the length that you're paying for!"

Yes. Yes it is.

And that is how we ended up with a very tall prostitute Christmas tree gracing our living room window in all of its glory.